Riding bikes with my sisters. Rainy day, indoor tricycle marathon. Around and around, how fast can we go? Through the kitchen. Multicolored dots on a blue-gray background, the linoleum gives the illusion of speed. Around the corner, often nicking the white trim of the doorway, and into the small utility room. Past washer, dryer, and gray double utility tubs. Through the doorway, and into the long skinny hallway. Black tiles, twelve inches square form the road surface. Soft green latex paint on porous particle board paneling is our landscape. Past the bathroom on the left, the door is always open. past the door that we don't use to the basement, always shut. Nailed shut. White, even the hinges are painted white. There is no doorknob, and I always wanted to open it, just because we weren't allowed. Nearing the end of the hallway, our highway widens, as the stairway over the basement door on the right. Forbidden territory on the left, THE DINING ROOM. Access to the living room on the right. Dead end ahead if the door to the front porch is closed. We called it the front porch, event though it was on the back of the house. That would have confused alot of people, but we did alot of things like that. A hard turn to the right, brakes, and tires, and vocal cords squealing, then another hard turn to the right, just inside the 24 by 16 living room, the kitchen just in sight. Slower going, off road carpet driving. Past the alcove on the left, where we kept all the books that no one read, past the fireplace that we did all like to use when the fighting wasn't going on. Past the other alcove with the built in desk. Through the eight or ten foot wide access to the kitchen, back onto the speckled linoleum. Breathless! Excited! Forgetting, especially, any fear or sadness, (and there was enough of both!) Wanting more and more of this drug called fun! Breathless abandon, giddy, don't have to make sense feeling. Laughing, pretending. Anything possible. Temporarily powerful!
YOU KIDS STOP THAT BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT! I'LL BE DAMNED IF YOU KIDS RUIN TODAY LIKE ALL THE OTHER DAYS! BUNCH OF SCREAMING BRATS! STOP ALL THAT NOISE! YOU MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE! ALL YOU DO IS WANT WANT WANT! STOP THAT NOISE! IF I HAVE TO COME IN THERE SOMEONE IS GOING TO HAVE TO PAY! SO HELP ME, I'LL TAKE ALL THOSE DAMN TRICYCLES AND BURN THEM IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE!
knocks her head on the doorway, and starts to cry. I'm right behind
her. I'm the one who is gonna pay. All Hell breaks out.
YOU GET UPSTAIRS TO YOUR ROOM!
GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! DAMN YOU!
my room, I am alone, outcast because of my defectiveness. I despair,
because I know that this will never stop happening. Nothing will
ever change. There is no one to comfort me. I am scared of
everyone, and everything. I believed her, when she said that I deserved
to be hit. She is right, and I am wrong. She is good, and I
am bad. If I am lucky, I quietly cry myself to sleep.
© 1997 Ken Scully